Dusting Myself Off

Hello?

Helloooo?  Anybody home???

HELLO!!!

(echo) …..                         

                                                                                         ………… (echo)         

                                   (echo) ………………………..      

                                                                                                                                                    ……………………..  (echo)       

Why, hello!  It is so good to see you again!   How have you been?  I saw!  I have been keeping up with you on your blog.  That’s great!

Yes, my little narration is directed to you, my readers.  It IS good to see you again and I have missed you. I know this place is dusty due to my reduced activity, but I have brought my broom and windex and I am gonna give it a good scrubbing!

What does this mean?  That I have been missing blogging and writing about my ballet obsession.  I have kept up with my other ballet bloggers and loved seeing Nutcracker season and how everyone is doing with their classes.  I swooned at Bush Ballerina’s class with Tibor!  Rejoiced with Traveling Dancer’s auditions. Had fun watching the fun All Round Girl was having. I was inspired by Legal Ballerina’s courage.  Envy at all the dancing LoveBallet89 is doing, plus many more of you!  What I am saying is I did not forget or ignore. I was just quietly lurking in the wings.

Now, you might also be wondering, what went on?  What’s happening now?

Well, I am going to grab this bull by the horns and call a duck a duck….

When I realized ballet classes were not in any kind of foreseeable future I basically did this…..

I feel deflated...

I feel deflated…

and this…

Timber!!!

Timber!!!

That pretty much sums it up.  Honestly, my heart was broken.  I tried very hard to keep a strong front but inside it felt like glass shattering.    It was no one’s fault but circumstance.  At first we thought things would be financially more feasible sooner but that was not the reality to allow the room for ballet classes financially.  So, taking ballet classes were put off for much longer. As a result, I fell off the weight loss bandwagon pretty quick since my last weight loss update was back in August, I really got to the point I didn’t care anymore.  So, I have gained most of the weight I lost in this time period.  Not really proud of that fact, but it’s a reality and something I have learned from, that I don’t need to tie my weight loss to an extraneous goal, more on this later in the post.

So, to make things more financially fluid with the family, I needed to get back to work.  I have been a nanny over the past year but I needed to start pulling in more so I got on the job hunt.  I wanted to get back into doing something professional, which is my background, but I was determined this time around I would do work I would really enjoy and that it would make a difference in someones life.  I also wanted work that would allow me to get my son from school and to keep his schedule as routine as possible. This became an odyssey… It went from I needed like 10 PhD’s or 35 years experience (not really but it felt like it) to just nothing. Facing this realization, I was happy to go work at the grocery store or the Dollar General as a clerk…then my back happened.

Back in late September or early October, my back had been doing some weird stuff . At this point I had not been exercising for weeks and I had done nothing strenuous to warrant what happened. I have always had back problems and I do have scoliosis.  So, back pain on a daily basis is common to me. Then one day I literally felt like I was going into labor…like I am not kidding the pain in my back was exactly like when I was in labor with my son years ago.   Contractions were happening like a wave, all concentrated in my lower back, just like when I had been in labor prior to having my epidural. It started off with just pressure and not able to get comfortable to a crescendo of agony over and over again. I was envisioning myself on that show, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”.  I mean the pain was THAT bad.  I knew I was not pregnant. Coincidentally, I had taken a pregnancy test just a few weeks prior.  I was in so much pain I was crying uncontrollably not knowing what was going on from fear and pain.  I was not insured so the thought of needing to go to the hospital was daunting, especially when in light of our financial situation at the time, but we were on the verge of going.  So, we called Ms. L thinking I could be passing a kidney stone, being that she churns one of those out regularly she is an expert.  We determined it was not a kidney stone.  Then the waves of agony started to lessen and I started to calm down. We now think I had a severe muscle spasm in my left lower back.  I was laid up for about two weeks where I could barely walk and spent most of my time in the recliner in the only comfortable position relieving the pressure off my back.  My left lower back has not been the same since. During all of this, I have been worried if this is going to hamper my ability to dance.  Standing on my left leg or standing for long periods of time is challenging.  In ballet, what is the left leg primarily? Yep…  I have switched to wearing sneakers almost exclusively because that made a big difference in the pain level in my back.  I don’t take medication, because I  just don’t like taking meds.  Being that I have pain daily, I do not want to take daily pain meds.  So I learned to live with it, how to ease it, and work around it.  I also know it wouldn’t take much to throw me back to the fangs of agony that I experienced months ago so I am very protective of my back.  I also know that losing weight and strengthening my back and core would do wonders for my back as well.

Which brings me back to the job search….

Pretty much...

Pretty much…only I was in a skirt and heels

I now had to add to the criteria…non-back aggravating. Which meant no work that required physical lifting, standing for long periods, etc. Just going to WalMart or Target on long shopping trips are physically challenging.  I can’t imagine a 6 or 8 hour work shift on my feet.  So I had to look for work that was at a desk, but me being me, I can’t stand being relegated exclusively to a chair (I’d go stir crazy) and would need a job that did have some moving around and such. Finally, in early December some positions opened in the legal field which I qualified for and would really like to do.  I had two choices and Job 1 fit better in the parameters than Job 2, but Job 2 seemed a bit more interesting, but something kept nagging at me about it and I decided to go with Job 1. Really, when “they” say to listen to your inner voice…”they” are right!  I love doing Job 1, it’s perfect for me.  I enjoy going to the courthouse everyday, doing what I do, the people I interact with, my boss, and co-workers.  It’s been great and I really know I made the right decision.  I am happy, my family is happy, and we are back on the right track.

So where does that leave me now?  Thinking about taking ballet classes again that’s where! THAT desire never went away and it has been tucked away into my thoughts everyday. Realistically, it looks like I could start classes soon, like in a month or two.  I know the cost and the studio, and we just need to make sure some other things are straightened out first before I make the financial commitment.  So now I really am on my way to classes finally.

Do I wish I had kept up with my weight loss? Yes.  I know my weight really poses a challenge for me in ballet classes and the care of my back. I can only do what I can do and at this point that is to climb back on that band wagon and start to focus back on losing weight. I have learned that I can’t have weight loss only connected to taking classes but it has to go deeper than that. I need to get more serious about my health.  I think my back is just worn out from carrying the weight around my middle for so many years.

So that’s that folks. Which brings me to today and it has been really great to write a post. Almost like stretching a sore muscle. It was painful but felt great.  Don’t forget you can check my Facebook and Pinterest pages. I post fun stuff there all of the time as I am addicted!

Despite the disappointment over the year and the challenges I faced, it’s been a good growing experience. I learned a lot, cried some, screamed on occasion, loved deeply, and became inspired by my fellow bloggers.  Through it all I am still moving forward, while things didn’t happen as I wanted I know they happened the way they were supposed to and here I am again close to getting back to classes and I can not wait.

glass fragments #1 with WM

Battements

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29 thoughts on “Dusting Myself Off

  1. Congrats on getting to a better place. It sounds like it was a very challenging year for you, but you have turned those challenges to your advantage by learning lessons from them. I am happy that you found a job you love — that’s very special! And I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Welcome back! 😀

  2. Welcome back!! I’ve definitely missed hearing from you on here. Sounds like you are in a better place now and that you are happy. So good for you! Sorry to hear about your back, that’s a bummer. Again, welcome back and keep your head up girl! Good things will happen for you 🙂

  3. I love your positivity through all of life’s curveballs! It’s very inspiring to read 🙂 I wish you all the best in your journey! I was a ballerina as a little girl and would love if I had the time and money to be able to do it recreationally!

  4. Welcome back!!! I have missed you, I really have. I’ve seen you liking posts and stuff but I was really wondering where you’d gone!
    So glad to hear you’re on the road to recovery, both mentally, financially and somewhat physically. I hope you will get back to ballet classes soon, I hope your job stays this wonderful and I hope your back will cut you some slack.
    But most of all: I hope you will amuse us with your entries once again!! Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. The weight-loss will come again, we are all here to support you!

    • I am seriously humbled! To think I was missed really wasn’t what I thought…I missed ya’ll! I hope the job stays happy too. There is always a honeymoon period in things like this but it has felt different from any other job I have done before. I do have some entries planned to post in the next week or so. I have really enjoyed keeping up with everything you’ve been doing!

        • I hope I will be too, that’s my plan. I really missed writing but it was just really hard to do. I was so heartbroken and then mad at myself for not keeping up with the weight loss, I had trouble even breaching the subject. I would find things on the internet or see something and think, “That would be a good post. I would like to write about that.” but just had trouble with the courage. Some of those things I still have and I think I will post about them eventually.

  5. So good to read an entry. Welcome back, and congrats on evolving even more. I love your entries, and hope to have some ballet entries of my own soon. It is nice to feel through your entry that you are happy. Hang in there with your back…..onward! Hugs! 🙂

  6. Welcome back!!! I’m so so so happy you’re back!!! 🙂 Congrats on the new job – it’s really a huge thing to be able to say you like your job! 🙂 Don’t worry so much about falling off the weight wagon – you’re back on it anyways. 🙂 I’m so sorry to hear about your back! My back has gone out a couple of times and woah does it hurt so I can just imagine! Can’t wait to hear all about this new year in your life. Thank you so much for keeping up with my auditions – crazy times! 🙂

  7. I am so proud of you for they way you chased yourself back to not only the blog but your fierce determination to succeed at the weight loss and move onward to classes. I know Dina and AnnaMarie would agree. You truly are a Hembree – and a Hembree never quits. Sometimes we fall to the wayside for a little bit, but we always get up and soldier on. Good for you, dear daughter. Good for you!

  8. Pingback: Ballet Boo-Yah! | Back to First Position

  9. Pingback: This is Dedicated to “Mrs. L”… | Back to First Position

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