What is and What Was

Well, today was to be my triumphant return to the ballet studio.  It was supposed to look a little something like this…

Imma ballerina

I imagined what was to be the reality was sliding my legs into my tights, pulling on my leo, and neatly pinning my hair into a bun.

What is the reality of today is having breakfast at Waffle House with my husband (always a win) and honestly trying not to think too much about ballet classes that I was supposed to start today.

I couldn’t let this day go by without a word.  I had to acknowledge it.  Can I take a sentence and stomp my feet and acknowledge the hurt of not starting ballet classes and having a moment to mourn?  Yes, I am 38 years old and feel like whining like a kid that I can’t take ballet classes.  OK needed a little perspective there…because now I am laughing at myself.

In all of this, I have realized how important ballet has become to me because it’s not just prancing around a studio pretending I had the flexibility of my 13-year-old self… It’s reaching into that place deep inside, that can only be put to action through the sweat of my brow and the strength in my muscles pushing through a tendu.  It was part of my life I packed away thinking I could never let that out as it could only be a young girls dream.  You can’t pack love away…it may get buried but it never leaves.  Those of us who have been touched by the depths of ballet know what I am talking about.  It can’t be explained only experienced.  Now that I have had to pack it away for a little bit longer somehow it won’t go back into the box the same way it came out.  The thing is, I don’t want to pack it away…I want it to stay out and to dance.

ballet swan

 

OK, I can’t spend time wallowing….I do have spectacular news!  My husband has found something bigger and better than before and will be starting back to work in a few weeks!  Yay!  I am SO proud of him.  It really is a blessing and we are SO thankful.  I now need to find something for some “cushion” and things will be smooth sailing.  So ballet classes are on my horizon….just need to get that horizon within reach.

daydream

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21 thoughts on “What is and What Was

  1. Oh this is such great news! I’m so happy for your family that your husband found work. It is so tough to do these days, so kudos to him, and all of you. I am thrilled you will be able to take class now. I knew exactly what you meant about its not been explainable – it can only be done. 🙂

  2. How wonderful that your husband found work so soon! Your classes are only a few weeks away now, I hope.
    In the meantime, if you long for ballet, why don’t you put on some gorgeous music and just dance? Or give yourself a class? It’s not the same as a real class, I know, but better than nothing. At least you get a taste of ballet. And it’s more fun than working out 😉

  3. Congratulations for your husband! How nice 🙂
    And you’ll be ‘prancing around the studio’ in no time.. just keep that love in your heart and hold on till the day comes!! Andeh… absence makes the heart grow fonder 😉

  4. Waah on the no-ballet-class-yet-like-you’d-hoped!
    Yay on the “hub found bigger/better work and will be going back soon”! What great news for all of you!
    Looking forward to the day I can switch the above “waah” to a “yay!”

  5. And a PS: on the beautiful things you wrote, above, about trying to pack away the love, the ballet past? OMG, I wrote almost the very same thing last week. Check it out: http://grown-up-ballet.blogspot.com. You’ll be nodding your head. You said it yourself here: “Those of us who have been touched by the depths of ballet know what I am talking about.”

    That really was beautiful, all that you wrote there. You captured the complicated feeling so well.

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